Thursday, 14 August 2014

A Pat On The Back

Hey musers,

Today I'm not even writing my post title until I finish this post, because everytime I set out to write something it becomes something else and I change it anyway.

I usually sit and start writing here when I suddenly feel the urge to.. share something that's building on my heart. It's like words sort of form and I don't even know what it is until it's out. This is what happened with my two most popular true beauty and plastic surgery posts. I don't really know what today will be about but all I know is that I just wanted to chat with you guys and update you on my life. And although I should be trying to get my 1.5 hr sleep before having to wake at 2:30am for TV this morning, I just really want to blog tonight, whether it's long or short.

So firstly to all my blog followers, I apologise that it's been such a while since my previous blogpost. I have been so busy upkeeping my two channels as well as my TV segment and working on some other campaigns and projects that I have yet to tell you guys about that I had no room or energy to. So sorry :( *hugs* hehehe I know you guys still watch me on Youtube anyway.

I've been uploading many videos, too many to update here, so I'll just redirect you to both my channels here for you to see them.

So I'm not sure whether you guys have recently seen my vlog on "Jen Gets Emo, Life in Korea, and Piggy the Hamster" but I pretty much bawled at the end of the video. If you haven't seen it yet, you might not know what I'm talking about so please see it first before continuing.

I just wanted to share that after deciding to share that with you guys, and not hide my true feelings and emotions, so much has changed. I have been receiving message after message, email after tweet after comment after virtual online hugs, even private messages to my personal facebook page, from all of you guys (who I consider my global family) full of warm words, encouragement, support, hugs, testimonies of your own lives, stories, and just.... so much love

I feel so close to you guys. And I can't tell you guys how grateful I am for you all.

It may seem like I was quite upset in that video, but trust me. It's nothing compared to last week.

Last week, I had a semi meltdown

My best friend from Sydney who I hadn't seen for about 2 years came to visit for a day. After spending the day with her, I suddenly realised something. 

I realised that I hadn't been able to truly be myself ever since moving to Korea. 
I realised the importance and significance of having a true friend next to you.
I realised that I missed the presence of people who truly knew me (my past, my personality, everything, my quirky weirdness).
I realised that I missed having people who truly accept me around me.
I realised that I had been going so fast with my life in Korea that I didn't even stop to realise this.
I realised that I had been trying so hard to absolutely do my best with everything that had come new into my life that I was on my tiptoes all the time. 
I realised that I hadn't laughed so carefree, in my huge manly (lol) roaring laughter, for a very long time.

And I realised all this because of my wonderful friend Grace. (You may remember her from my Lee Hyori Smokey Eyes Makeup Tutorial from 2-3 years back.) 

During her haircut at the hairsalon I had taken her to for her last minute transformation before leaving that night for her flight back to Sydney to see her fiance for the first time in 6 months (that was the longest phrase ever), she just looked at me and said, "You need a break."

I looked up. "Ha?"

"You need a break", she replied, laughingly as she smiled up to the hairdresser who was carefully trimming her hair. 

Inside, I was like 'What does that mean?', but I replied, "Yeah" anyway.

She looked at me again and said, "I feel like you're tired." I laughed and replied immediately, "If that's what you mean, yeah.. I definitely need a holiday. Life in Korea is crazy."

We went about our day, I did her nails, we had lunch, we chatted and laughed and sat watching TV, and as the rain started to pour, we walked to the airport bus stop in front of my house with arms linked under my small umbrella, hopping over pools of water and giggling like little kids. There was sadness in my heart that I was saying bye to my best friend of 5 years. I knew I'd see her again soon when she returned to get married and live in Korea, but until then I knew it was just.. well I don't know how to explain it really.

As we huddled under the umbrella skipping over to the bus stop, a huge white and navy bus pulled up. We were still about 15 metres away. Grace and I both yelped and started running.

"Aaahhh! Get onnnn!!"

"OK bye 미정!! 나 갈께!!" ("Bye Mijung! I'm gonna go!")

We didn't even hug. I pushed her on the bus and she ran on with excitement. I saw her talk to the bus driver ajoshi and sit down. I'd just done her nails so she carefully took something out of her wallet to show him. 

Then as I stood in the cold rain under my umbrella, she looked out the window as she sat down. She had a huge smile on her face. I had a huge smile on my face. We waved like mad. She made a heart with her arms and I took a photo. And the bus went.

When the bus left, I stood there for a while. Then I started walking back slowly to my apartment. People madly crossed my path, left and right, crouched under their black umbrellas. 

I carefully stepped over the puddles on the floor so my feet wouldn't get wet as I was wearing havianas. The floor, rain, pretty much everything outside in Seoul is really dirty. Incredibly dirty, compared to Australia (you can't imagine it if you were born and raised in Sydney hahaha). I thought about what I needed to do. It was a Wednesday, so I knew I had my TV broadcast the next day. Another night of preparation. Home alone until oppa comes at 8 or 8:30pm. And then, my segment. Another sleepless night. The team. The morning rush. Making sure I dress appropriately so I wouldn't get in trouble. Presenting myself as an individual to everyone. Feedback meetings. Focusing, praying. Frantically learning my lines as I carefully made sure I didn't cross the fine lines of etiquette with those I met or greeted or worked with. Smiling, bowing, being polite, looking good, and protecting my back.. Hoping, just hoping, I wouldn't make a mistake during the live segment. So much more that can't really be explained.

Of course, I wasn't thinking about allll that. Just the usual, "Oh.. gotta get ready. Should I gym tonight? How should I do my nails to coordinate with what I wear for the theme tomorrow?" Hehe. It's actually pretty cool. But even as I walked, a lump formed in my throat. I just felt it. Something I hadn't felt for so long.

As soon as I got home, I heard her words again.

"You look tired."

It was almost as if those words were a trigger to something.. Like I had locked up a box inside me, and someone had put the key in. 

I sat down on the floor and tears started dropping. 

Wow... I was tired. 

I had been running.. and running.. and running.

I had been fighting all by myself. This society, this busyness. Yes I know, my husband is right beside me but he is also very busy with work and taking care of his own affairs as he paves his own path in a new country too.

There were a few things at my workplace over the past few months, things I probably shouldn't mention. Not really events or huge nameable issues.. just things that have caused me lots of stress and having to be on my tip toes all the time. 

Making new friends in a new city has been wonderful, but in order for people to truly know and accept you, it takes time. It takes effort. It takes a natural growth. And that had been another thing that was so new to me. 

Back home, I always felt there were people around me that were like family. Auntie Steph, Uncle Tony, our cell members, our worship team, friends who would come over to help us pack.. When oppa and I headed out we always bumped into someone we knew.. just familiarity and comfortableness everywhere. 

Here, it was like.. walking against the wind and forcing our feet through the unpaved mud.

Seoul life is truly fun. It's fast paced, it's city, it's night life, it's alive. 
People are always on the go. You even start to eat faster, think faster, talk faster and react faster. 
Not much speech is required, just a look and you can communicate something else.
Everything is flashy, lights and posters everywhere.
Shops, restaurants, businesses on every vacant spot. Patches of nothing is nonexistent.
Buildings everywhere, people everywhere, tightly packed into one small space.
But because of this, you can sometimes miss life's truly beautiful moments. And you can forget to close your eyes and rest.

It's not that life has taken over me, or that I am beaten.. It's just that I suddenly felt tired from running and running. I needed to stop and breathe. I needed to rest my head for a moment. I needed to focus on my heart for a second.

That's just it.
That night, I bawled my eyes out. In my room, by myself. Sobbing and thinking to myself. "미정이 그동안 힘들었지? 잘했어. 열심히 했어." ("It's been hard, hasn't is Jeniffer? You've done well. You've tried your best for 6 months.") Kakaotalking with Grace as she and I shared our heart with each other. And pouring out to God everything that was on my heart.

I started to feel really sick, and decided I wouldn't do my segment the next day. I needed room to myself, and I needed a break. However, I found out that wasn't possible, so I ended up going with swollen eyes. It went well but I came home early to rest. Apparently my face was very pale and I looked like I needed to rest, so PD told me I can be dismissed early. I didn't even receive feedback last week. They were very kind to me.

Anyway, I'm OK now. Ever since then, I haven't felt down or sad at all. I'm very happy :) Really.
I think it was just a very needed time to reflect and refocus. A time to appreciate myself for all I'd done. A time to just love myself again for who I am, without anyone else around me. 

Have you ever felt this way? Like you just need your own time alone? 
Have you ever felt like life has overcrowded you?

I'm sharing this because I wanted you guys to know what I've been going through. 
This moment was a very private moment for me, but I hope that sharing this will also help some of you who might be weary and exhausted, but not know it... just like my friend helped me realise and thus healed my heart as a friend I can lean on in my hard times.

It's really ok to be down sometimes. It's part of being human.
And it doesn't really mean that you're weak, or you're vulnerable, or that you need help. It just means you need to love yourself again. It means you need to stop to appreciate that you've been doing a great job, and everything's ok.

A pat on the back.

I believe that through that time, I was able to figure things out again. I've found my feet in a different place in Seoul now, and I was reenergised to get up and keep going. 

And most importantly, through sharing it with you guys on Instagram, I realised that I have you guys. You mean so much to me. Thank you for your genuine care and love for me as your true friend. Thank you that as much as I try to give and share good things with you guys through beauty and advice videos and posts, you guys give back to me your love, support, advice and friendship. Just the fact that you guys are there makes the biggest difference... and that is what I have taken from this experience.


Saying good bye. 

Thank you.

I love you guys. Anyone else going through a tough time, we can get through it together! :)

Life is beautiful.

아자아자 화이팅!! Fighting!! <3

Love Jen xo