Thursday, 3 November 2016

I'm Back and I've Changed





Hello beloved musers,


It's been so long that I really don't quite know how to start.

I guess I should begin with a 'sorry' for leaving my readers in the dark for so long. T_T
In a way, I know it's a bit different for me since I used my blog only as a way of keeping further in touch with my Youtube subscribers, but nevertheless, I am sorry for being away for so long.

I built up such an anticipation even within myself of my come-back here, that it became too huge of a burden for me to fulfill, and so I come back with a humble and simple letter to you all :)


I know you guys keep in touch with me via other social media platforms like Instagram and Facebook, so I'm going to assume I won't have to catch you up on my life since my last proper blogpost! (If not, give my Youtube channel a quick visit^^ - or even just my IG.)




I hope you have all been well, taking care of yourselves, being kind to yourselves.

What kind of life and schedules have you been busy with?

What things have recently been happening in your lives?

Anything congratulatory..? Anything incredible?

Or maybe something you'd like me to keep in my prayers for?

I wish the two-way conversation could be quicker and more real, just like catching up with my girlies in real life.
(I guess, in a way, that's what live videos are for - in which case, oppa and I are holding a live Youtube Streaming session this weekend! Hehe. Check the bottom of this post for details**)

Either way, please do let me know! I would love to hear your stories..

I'm sure you guys would have so many wonderful and eventful things happening in your lives.

Graduations.. Acceptances.. New jobs. Boyfriends, wedding dates set, babies even~? :)



For me, I don't think I have honestly done a proper heart to heart with you guys - my musers - for a really really long time. I've been busy doing beauty video after beauty video! Traveling some countries here and there for work.. Oh and also working on a secret project that's under way and finally almost here...


But, you know, on a more personal note I recently have been feeling quite a change in myself that I'm still coming to terms with and trying to understand, too. I have definitely changed, but I'm trying to figure out how and why. Hehe.

Honestly, I feel as though Korea has changed me in ways I just didn't know moving to another country would. Living a life in another land with different cultures, different acceptable ways of behaving and talking and expressing oneself. I wonder if you guys have caught on from my Youtube uploads here and there?


Now before I go on, just a note:
My blogposts are incredibly honest. If you are new here, be ready for a lot of self-exposure on my behalf ;) Hehehe. So just a forewarning about my bare heart, laying it all down for y'all here. Just cos that's what it's like between me and my closest musers! :)



To be really open with you guys, I know for sure that I have become a lot more of a reserved and quiet person in the past year. In real life, at least.


I also feel like I have become more careful with what I say, and the amount of words that come out of my mouth. Is this the same point as above? Hehe. Kind of but not quite..


Not to dump it all onto one reason, and I know it's rather impossible to shed light on something completely and accurately in one blogpost, so please don't get me wrong in any way or assume I am implying something else. However, one of the main reasons for these changes I think is that working and living and being social with other Koreans has got me adapting. Also, making friends can be challenging if you're seen as 'too different' to be friends with! I'm sure many of you who have moved overseas and tried living in another place might understand a bit :)
(Cultural differences in Korea vs. my Western upbringing - This could be for an entirely new other blogpost as I don't want this one to get too long.)


In one sense, I have been misunderstood many many times and consequently even gotten quite hurt many times through my transparency of expression, generosity of expression and different way of expressing myself to what is 'Korean'. (This makes me sound like I'm making myself out to be a victim, but I want to make it clear that's not what I'm saying. I'm not hurt or bruised.. I have learnt through experiences to adapt, grow stronger and survive hehehe. No grudges, just sharing.)


In another sense, I've picked up cultural cues on what is expected here. Sometimes girls can be extremely looked-down upon if you talk too much here, or bare your heart for everyone to see without careful discernment. Poker facing is considered much wiser and nobler than letting it all out all the time to anyone. I know this goes against so much of Western feminism, but I'm simply stating the facts of 'mainstream' Korean thought. (I also don't mean to generalize. Of course, not every Korean thinks like this, but it is mainstream.)


And finally, I think... It could also simply be that I am getting older. Hahahaha. Sigh.
(Is it? What do you think?)


Well, whether or not I HAVE changed in obvious ways, I want to assure you guys about this one thing.


Deep down, I am still the same Jen that moved here a few years ago.


The only thing that's changed is my outer expression of myself (and that's mostly when I'm with strangers). Not only for my own convenience, but actually more for the people here. Sometimes it is simply kinder and culturally considerate to make others feel more comfortable with you. (It also reduces the need of having to continually explain yourself to new people all the time!)

I'm trying to explain my thought process about why I feel like I have changed.. and I'm open to your thoughts about it too. Sometimes it's hard to see why when it comes to your own self! Haha



There's another thing though. I do recently feel very burnt out.

It started with my SOS series.. (I really did need a break from it~)

But in particular, after filming the recent TV show which I am honoured to be hosting (I'll be sharing more about it in my videos - it will be airing around the world in December), I got extremely extremely fatigued and exhausted. I almost feel like I used up my last breath of youth in filming that LOL (noooo). Truly & honestly, I was completely spent after it was over.. I can't even begin to explain how tiring it was. I remember just flopping on my bed the midnight we finished our final day after 3 weeks of non-stop go, and tears just dropping out of my eyes. Tears of just being extremely extremely tired. No sound out of my mouth. Just water running. Hahahahaha. (Sounds so sad... sorry. Don't want to make you guys sad. I was really just emotionally, mentally and physically tired. And also quite lonely for some reason. ikr??? lol)



I think this has affected my energy levels overall, and I'm hoping it will come back soon!



Otherwise.. I have a genuine question for those who've been through it already.

Is this all just a sign of me getting older?

Does this usually happen during the late 20s?

Am I just going through a 20s life crisis?

Hahaha!! Part of me hopes it isn't and it's just a phase I'm going through, and I'll be back with my energetic self soon. *God please give me my energy back, I haven't even had a kid yet*


Hehehe.


So there's my late-night/early-morning blogpost full of updates, confessions and random musings. As always!

It's not quite the way I was envisioning it to come out, but who am I kidding? I love spontaneity anyway.


I truly hope you've been well, and if you'd like to hear more about some things I've learnt from this wonderful thing called LIFE, I'm currently uploading a new video on my channel called "8 Life Lessons We've Learnt ft. Grumpy Oppa"! It's still processing right now, but when it goes live the link should work. I spent ages editing this and we haven't done a video together in a long time, so it's quite a special one. Make sure to check it out!



ALSO, EXCITING NEWS!



Oppa started his own channel too - Make sure to go and show your love! He's been working on this channel for over 1.5 years and I'm so so proud of him. He just uploaded his first music video on the channel tonight, called "The Tears"
Please go and subscribe to his channel to show your support too! Tone Alley


He was so excited as he headed for bed tonight after just uploading his first video :)

I hope he can wake up to lovely comments and new subscribers to encourage him for his blood, sweat and tears. I'm super excited about his next upload because I personally love that song. (His mentee and friend Byungsoo, who is also extremely talented and such a lovely boy, wrote the first song 'The Tears', which oppa produced, and the next one to go up oppa wrote! Will go up next week!)



Anyway, we will share more about our journey with everything: with life, faith, beauty, etc, in our live stream this weekend, so hope you can all join us. <3


I hope you enjoyed this random catch up with me!


I promise to post more, and of course, the beauty stuff too. (How can I not) ;)



Love you guys heaps and heaps
and thank you for your continued love and support throughout the years,

Jen.
xoxo






** YOUTUBE LIVE STREAMING

Just make sure your Youtube notifications of my channel uploads are turned on!
Click in to join when you get notified that we're live x

Korea: Nov 5th, Sat 2pm
LA: November 4th, Fri 11pm
Sydney: Nov 5th, Sat 4pm